How to Tame a Control Freak: No Whip Required

If we've lived out from under the bed at all we've experienced the out of control control freak from time to time. Control freaks find comfort in control, that's why control freaks are over-the-top freaky about controlling you and everything else in their environment. Without absolute control they fear for their very survival.

Control freaks come in all shapes, sizes and genders. Even proud freak flag wavers want to tame the control freaks among them. Perhaps there's a bit of the control freak within you. It's more common than you might realize.

Why is that?

The need to control is an anxiety management tool. The corporate control freak worries about failure. The relationship control freak freaks out about whether or not his or her needs will be met - including the irrational need to have a perfect spouse or child in order to feel good about themselves.

Control freaks make demands and verbally beat upon others to keep a deep sense of their own inadequacies and feelings of helplessness at bay. By controlling others they hope to control their own out of control anxiety.

It's a coping behavior among many other coping behaviors such as compulsive buying, excessive cosmetic surgery, over eating, under eating, complaining, bitching and blaming.

Where we hold back on being real, being heard and being willing to be vulnerable (that's Moxie, baby) is where we cope. We've all been there, done that in some shape or form. So compassion and understanding is the first step in taming the control freak in your path. Even if the control freak wrecking havoc with your life is you - through the woefully misguided Inner Critic.

To combat a control freak through anger or pushing back only adds fuel to the control freak desire to control. If you're in the cross hairs of a control freak outburst the best thing to do is be calm. If you are calm and focused the control freak feels less threatened, more in control. And he will ease up.

From that calm place communicate in a normal easy pace. Quickly firing off defenses will only further agitate the control freak. Let go of making the conversation personal or a power tug-of-war. With compassion, acknowledge the control freak's real issue.

Breathe. The upset isn't about you. Be mindful of your own emotional triggers. Maintain a healthy sense of self-worth throughout the onslaught. Make sure you're not stepping up to the control freak platform yourself.

It is often helpful to begin your response with "I understand (state their primary concern). It would bother me too if I thought that (concern). And here's my problem. (Calmly state your challenge with the control freak demand and what you would like to do). Can you help me?"

Once acknowledged and understood, people generally want to help. They feel less threatened and switch from the aggressor to the hero of the day. At least for the moment.

Understand, too, you can't permanently change the control freak. Any meaningful behavioral change is an inside job. Your role, here, is to hold your own in a healthy and effective way so you don't become a raging control freak yourself.

If you do recognize the control freak within you you've already made the first big step towards transforming your control freak into an inspiring leader, spouse, parent and friend. Work with an expert who can hold you accountable to understand, embrace and transform the parts of you that thrives on high anxiety for survival.

It's what you're here to do.


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Valery teaches people to transform emotional coping behavior such as compulsive shopping, excessive cosmetic surgery, bitching, blaming, meaningless sex, stress and drama, into a meaningful life well lived from the inside out. Private exclusive confidential concierge level of service for her elite clientele. Free eBook SCREW Coping, LIVE!